Defeated

I sit here, alone in my room, meddling with my comp. I want to write so many things. Its been over a month since I've posted my previous blog. Its 3:30 in the afternoon, my thought process is a little slower than usual. We were watching a movie called 'Kick' till now. Stupid movie. Garbage. Stopped watching it half way through. I would have watched it for the company atleast. But even my friends got bugged and got back to their rooms. So, whats the point, I thought.

I was travelling back to Mangalore the other night from Shimoga. People even travel from one village to the next in this bus as there are no other buses in the night. So there are different kinds of people travelling in the same bus. The windows of the bus are not tight. Every other minute one has to close it to stop the midnight air from slapping your face. Sometimes I leave it open. When the bus gets filled with people's farts, who wouldn't have taken bath for months, with tobacco and alcohol smelling clothes, windows are a blessing. That’s why I prefer the window seat. The conductor seemed nice. He gives separate seats for ladies. Bless him. I missed the window seat this time. I usually take that. So I had to make do with the other seat I got. I was ok with it.

The bus started at 11:30 in the night. There were two television sets in the bus. It is the time when normal people prefer to sleep. But here, they leave the tv on till 12:30 or 1. I usually get used to the screeching loudspeakers. I even sleep off sometimes, when am tired. You can imagine how frequently I would have travelled in this bus to get used to such nonsense. Nothing can awaken me except when somebody TOUCHES me.

I woke up nearly ten times this time. I wasn't sure what woke me up. I thought maybe the breaks and the jerks and the ghat's curves were the reason. I went back to sleep every time. They stopped in between for coffee and nature's call. I don’t prefer getting down. I don’t even prefer being awake. I just go back to sleep. Even the lady sitting next to me didn't budge. I was happy.

The bus started again. The lights were off. No seat in the bus was empty. It was 3 am. I was still sleeping. I woke up again. Thought it was the jerk again. I stared outside the window for a few minutes. Then closed me eyes again. This time I wasn’t sleeping. I had just shut my eyes. I felt somebody touching my thighs. I pushed that hand away instantly. Then I suddenly realised that he had been doing the same thing whole night. And that was the reason for my disturbed sleep. He was sitting on the other side. He was 1 feet away from me.

I am not a bold and brave person. And I regret it. I sat there staring at him. He was pretending to be asleep. I was getting scared, angry and used, all at once. I wanted to go and slap him. I wanted to take a bomb and shove it in his ass and burst it. I wanted to make a big scene. I wanted to do many things. But I didn’t. I sat there like a loser for ten min. I was thinking. But my mind wasn’t clear. I was scared. Sissy. I thought if I tell the conductor he'll do something. The place was very far away from city limits. It was a ghat section. I wanted the conductor to kick him out of the bus and make him helpless.

I made my mind up. I replayed the scene again and again in my mind. I stood up and went to the conductor. I told him that there is a guy who is sitting in the bus doing nonsense. The conductor was in a deep sleep when I woke him and told him this. The last thing he wanted,was a scene. But since I complained, he came near that bastard and asked him why he was doing nonsense. Then that bastard told that I was lying. Both argued for about a minute. Both of them lacked testosterones. They were horrible. I got fed up. This was leading no where. The conductor just made him change the seat after my suggestion. Bastard went on telling that he didn’t do a thing. I was so dissatisfied. I wanted to hang him upside down and pass electricity through his mouth. Bloody fucker.

This isn't the way it was supposed to happen. He should have been thrown out of the bus, I kept thinking. I didn’t sleep for a long time. I was imagining ways to torture him and scare him and make his life hell. The nice lady sitting next to me spoke to me for sometime and told me that these things are so irritating and one should go and give a complain and all.

This is not the first time this is happening to me. Once, when something like this had happened to me, I got scared and simply sat straight for the rest of the night. Then later when a similar thing happened, I hit him hard on his hand. This time I got the guts to go and complain. Some improvement. But this is not at all enough for a person to survive in this world filled with frustrated sex maniacs.

Next time something like this happens to me or any other girl, I've decided to go and slap such bastards and lodge a complaint. Fight for humanity. Fight for women rights. Am ashamed of myself for being such a loser. I don’t want to be ashamed anymore. I want to be defeated no more.